“Submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.” (Eph. 5:21 ESV)

Marriage survival statistics in America are dismal! According to the American Psychological Association, approximately 40-50% of first marriages end in divorce.

Why is this so?

Even though couples may have many reasons for divorce, I want to talk here about the number one stated reason. According to the findings of a recent survey of CDFA professionals, as many as 43% of people list “basic incompatibility” as the cause of their divorce. This reason is often stated on divorce documents as irreconcilable differences. Webster’s dictionary defines irreconcilable differences as “inability to agree on most things or on important things.” But, basically, it’s that they had things in their lives they were unable to come to agreement about. And because they couldn’t agree, they just gave up. They quit. They ended their marriage.

Recently, I spoke with an older gentleman who told me he had been married and divorced several times, and it got easier to do each time. Each marriage was shorter than the previous one. He said he had grown children with his first wife, and sometimes he would see her at family gatherings. She had been remarried and divorced again, too. He said they had spoken recently and reflected on their marriage and divorce. He said to her, “Why didn’t we work harder to save our marriage?” “Our differences weren’t that bad.” She said, “I don’t know why we gave up so easily.” It just seemed right at the time. “But we could have figured it out if we had tried harder.”

Embrace differences

Why are differences considered bad? First, the concept of compatibility is taught and demonstrated broadly in many ways.You see it in movies, on television, and taught in marriage lectures by “marriage experts.” There are many dating websites that use questionnaires designed to help you find someone “most like you.” We are told that compatibility is the main ingredient for a strong marriage.

But is this really true?

I don’t think so. I heard someone say, “If two people agreed on everything, one of them would be unnecessary.” I think he had something there! It’s been my observation that the strongest marriages are when two opposites come together, embracing each other’s strengths and helping each other with their weaknesses. They both become stronger.

For instance

My wife, Susan, and I are very different in many ways. She likes girly things, and I like manly things. We like different music; she likes classical and I like country. She likes sappy love story movies, and I like shoot ‘em up John Wayne type movies. She is ultra introverted, and I’m as extroverted as you can get. We like different colors, different home types, different TV shows, and much more. It’s amazing that we ever got together in the first place. But we did, and both of our lives are much richer as a result. What do we agree on? We both love God, the Bible, our children, and each other—the important things. And we pray together and get into agreement with scripture as our guide. We find Bible promises that cover every issue and get into agreement about them (Matt. 18:19). And, finally, we have learned to not sweat the small stuff. And at this writing, we’ve been married 51 years. If we had filled out a compatibility questionnaire, we would have never gotten together.

Therefore

“Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil.” (Eccles. 4:9 ESV)

“He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.” (Prov. 18:42 ESV)